I decide!

When asked to describe yourself, do you generally begin with - 'people say that I am ...' or 'my friends believe ...'?

I've been doing it my whole life without even realizing it, until AP pointed it out. What does it mean? Well, you are defining yourself basis other people's opinions of you. Is it the right way to see yourself & define your self worth? I'm sure you know the answer to that.

It is a very dangerous way of being! These other people come with their own baggage, do not necessarily see the big picture and are not mature enough to make judgments about themselves, let alone other people. You have set your feelings & self worth up for a very bumpy roller-coaster ride by doing this. If someone praises you today then you feel elated & special but if tomorrow someone accuses you of being selfish or greedy your self worth is in the gutter.It's a very difficult place to be as you are not the one deciding the way you feel about yourself.

In order to grow as a human being and be the master of your feelings, this ownership of your self worth needs to be transferred back to you. You need to stop seeing yourself from other people's eyes and find your own eyes. I'm currently in the process of defining my center. It's a very challenging task and the progress is minuscule. I keep slipping back to what others are saying/thinking. But I'm trying not to focus on what other people say. I try to look at the objective truth myself  and decide what it means about me.

 There will be a day when I will be the only definer of who I am, what is my worth and how I feel everyday. Until then....

Holiday!

I'm off on vacation for the rest of the week. Wishing all of you fun times during the Diwali weekend.

P.S. This is where I can be found :)

Receiving!

I'm a terrible receiver. I'm very uncomfortable accepting a compliment. I don’t let other people pick up the restaurant tab, always insisting on paying my part. I feel very hesitant to ask for any help as I feel like I'm burdening the other person.

Most of us give easily, but often have resistance to receiving. It's not our fault, the focus has always been on giving. Since we were little children we have been trained to give to others, to think of others before ourselves and to refuse gifts or compliments. I remember being lectured in school on 'it is better to give than to get'.

However, constantly giving is not as selfless as we have been taught because if you give constantly and never allow yourself to receive, you cannot nurture yourself and replenish your ability to give. You tend to feel drained and taken for granted. But in reality it is you who is not allowing yourself to receive, always taking the provider position (it is your home state and hence familiar).

In order to be happy you need to have a balance between the 'give-take' in your life. You need to train yourself to be willing to receive without feeling the need to give back, knowing you are worthy and deserve to receive.

Next time, try to gracefully accept something someone has offered & feel special that you are worthy of someone's generosity.


P.S. The inspiration for this post is the following quote from Nelson Mandela's Inauguration speech 1994:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Back!

I have resurfaced!

There are many reasons for my disappearance. The big ones:

- I have a psycopath for a new boss who believes I should spend every waking hour in office obsessing about market share and 'killing' the competition,
- there is a new project that I'm working on with my friends and it's taking up the little time left after work,
- my patterns. The serial quitter patterns ( I've written about earlier) have been at play and hence I decided to park writing for a while.I'm making an effort to start again. Let's see how it goes.

Courtesy my new exhausting situation at work, I have been watching a lot of TV lately. Being a passive activity, it allows me to give my mind a holiday. There was something that I watched a few days back, perhaps experienced is a better word to describe it, that really made me want to sit up and think.

I watched the live rescue of  the 33 Chilean miners stuck in the mine, half a mile under the earth's surface, for over 69 days. It was a very powerful experience! I was truly moved by the courage and fearlessness of these people. I get goosebumps every time I think of it. Trapped with bleak chances of rescue (first contact was made on day 23-24 I think), not knowing if they will ever see sunlight or their families for 70 days - I'm amazed at the strength of the human spirit. So glad it was a happy ending!

A near death experience can make one fearless and help clearly understand the truth of life and what matters in the end. One of the miners put it so beautifully - 'the only things that matter in life are family & friends, seeing your children smile and the beauty of mother nature. When you know that this may be 'the end' these are the only things you value and yearn for'.

I am thankful this wisdom is available to me without the scary experience. Infact most people are aware of this truth and talk about it but it's generally at a very superfluous level. I have met very few people who have been able to imbibe it and change the way they go about life. I aspire to change the way I approach life, the time & effort I spend on nurturing my key priorities. Somehow I'm not able to make permanent changes. I keep getting caught up in the rut and pushing my priorities for later. I need to find a way to change that for good. Any suggestions/advice?

P.S: I was thrilled that I could understand the Spanish note the miners sent up :)

Play/Pause...Stop!

A tiny tape recorder resides in my head.

It's constantly chattering away. The favorite tapes are - self doubt, fear of failure/rejection and constant worry! It's most active when I try to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning. It also chatters away when I'm alone but usually gets drowned out with all the other distractions the world presents.

I've been trying to get rid of it. I've tried many things and here are some which are working for me:

- Morning Pages
I came across Morning Pages on Julia Cameroon's website - www.theartistsway.com. She designed it as part of a creative discovery & awakening course called the artist's way. Morning pages are 3 pages of conscious writing first thing in the morning. They can be about anything that comes to your mind and are for your eyes only.  I complete 3 months of morning pages on the 14th.
When I wake up in the morning, my head is full of thoughts, fears, to-do lists etc. Sometimes it gets  overwhelming. Now I reach for my diary every morning and scribble away. It makes me feel a lot lighter and stops the chattering - I have taken it out of my head and poured it into the diary.

- My best-friend: my breath
I was introduced to the concept by PG. It is about being aware of your breath. It's a great tool to come back to the present moment. After a few days of practice you will experience the chatter stops as soon as you start to become aware.
Your breath is your best friend and will stay with you till your last minute. Make a connection with it, become aware of it and find yourself always in the present moment. I highly recommend it. I try to practice it all the time - when I'm alone, while driving, on the metro, while trying to fall asleep.

- Cut it
As soon as I realise the negative thoughts creeping in, I tell myself aloud 'Cut it'. To amuse myself, I snap my fingers as if they were a pair of scissors. Then, I try to think about something I like - the beach at Phi phi, the trees at Lodhi garden or just AM's morning smile. This conscious thought replacement comes with a lot of awareness and practice. But nothing worth having comes easy in life.

I have my patterns. Every now and then I give into the chatter and don't 'Cut it'. But I forgive myself for it because it's not easy to 'fight your own mind with your own mind' (this phrase - courtesy PG). I allow myself to fail  once in a while as long as I know I'm making progress.

That's my story. What does your tape recorder play? I would love to hear what  you do to make it stop or play the good stuff. Do share it with me in the comments section.

Home-state!

Maybe a part of you doesn't want to be happy. Maybe that part makes you feel comfortable in the unhappy state.

AP suggested this during a conversation. I rejected the outrageous suggestion. How could it possibly be? I want nothing more in life than to be happy. I even have a blog about finding happiness. The thought perturbed me. I needed to get to the bottom of this. Could this be true? Do I really not want to be happy?

That's when I stumbled upon Sonja Lyubomirsky and her insightful research which helped me understand my precarious situation. She is an authority on happiness research and has a 5-year $1million grant from the  National Institute of Mental Health, USA to conduct research on the possibility of permanently increasing happiness. According to her research, happiness springs from 3 sources. She explains it so well that I'm quoting her verbatim for the explanations.

- Genetic set point
 50% of the happiness is resultant of our genetic set point (set point means your base level of happiness). Lyubomirsky says:" The set point for happiness is similar to the set point for weight. Some people are blessed with skinny dispositions. Even when they're not trying, they easily maintain their weight. By contrast, others have to work extraordinarily hard to keep their weight at a desirable level, and the moment they slack off even a bit, the pounds creep back on. So those of us with low happiness set points will have to work harder to achieve and maintain happiness".

- Life Circumstances
According to Lyubomirsky, "only about 10 percent of the variance in our happiness levels is explained by differences in life circumstances or situations--that is, whether we are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, married or divorced, etc. One of the great ironies of our quest to become happier is that so many of us focus on changing the circumstances of our lives in the misguided hope that those changes will deliver happiness. Research shows that trying to be happy by changing our life situations ultimately will not work because of a very powerful force that psychologists call hedonic adaptation." I already have a post on the concept. Check it out if you haven't already read it.

- Intentional Activities
The remaining 40% is determined by our intentional activities. Focused effort in this space can increase your base level of happiness. Lyubomirsky says, "We can't alter our genetic set points, and changes in life circumstances don't have a lasting impact on our happiness, but we can increase and sustain our happiness through intentional activities.If we observe genuinely happy people, we shall find that they do not just sit around being contented. They make things happen. They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts and feelings.In sum, our intentional effort-ful activities have a powerful effect on how happy we are, over and above the effect of our set points and the circumstances in which we find ourselves. If an unhappy person wants to experience interest, enthusiasm, contentment, peace and joy, he or she can make it happen by learning the habits of a happy person."

Reflecting on this theory and my patterns, I have come to accept that the low, worrying, unhappy feeling is my 'home-state'. It is the programming in my genetic code! Hence, I keep finding ways to go back there. It's natural because everyone feels most secure and happy in their home.

But there is a part of me that wants to change that. It wants to adopt a new home-state. It's possible. All it needs is a daily concerted effort and commitment.

Patterns!

Serial Quitter.

I came across this word while reading a book and it stayed with me. We seemed to connect and I decided to adopt it as a part of my identity.

I'm  constantly looking for and taking on new activities. I have a need to fill my life with new activities. The programming in my head tells me that if I'm engaging in quality 'things-to-do' then I'm moving closer to my ultimate goal. I feel a sense of panic if I'm not 'constructively' involved all the time. In fact, I was once advised that, 'You are a human being and not a human doing, so just learn to be.' One more thing to learn to do ;)

At any given point, I am busy with at least 3- 4 projects. These days I am learning Spanish, attempting twenty laps at the swimming pool, learning make-up on youtube, figuring out what I want to do next with my life, planning a holiday, trying to finish reading the 6 books I bought last week...

Projects ( I like to call them projects as it sounds more important than the regular sounding activities, hobbies etc.) require patience, commitment and hard-work  to accomplish. These aren't my strengths!

This is where my patterns kick in. I started because I believed it would take me closer to happiness, but as there is no instant gratification, I become frustrated, I quit, I brand myself 'good for nothing' and trash my self-esteem. After much serial quitting I have been able to identify my pattern and accept it.

Now, when the frustration starts to build up, I just let that project be. I have realized that if I keep at it my impatience will get the better of me. I will give it up never to try it again and curse myself all night. So I have learnt to just let it be, telling myself that I'm taking a break from it and will come back to it later. I know once I've been on a break for a while, my mind will again come back to believing that doing this will make me happy. When that happens I go back and start again. I won't beat myself down anymore with the self-judgment that I'm no good!

Have you been able to identify your patterns? Are you killing your self-esteem by constantly judging yourself  basis everything you try to do? It takes time and effort to identify and accept these patterns. I would love to hear your story. It might help us all learn something about our patterns.

Hedonic Treadmill!

Think about all your fancy possessions. Is there any one you can think of that makes you smile whenever you see it, that can brighten you up when you have had a bad day, or can keep the low feeling at bay because you have it? I have lots of things I love but none would fit that description.

Sometime back, I came across a term 'hedonic treadmill' while reading a book. The concept seemed intriguing and I decided to find out more about it.Wikipedia defines it as follows:

'Hedonic Treadmill is the tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes. As a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness.'

Basically, when we get used to something it stops feeling nice.Human beings are blessed with the gift of quick adaptation.So we get bored of our luxuries fast and find new things to run after.Come to think of it, I got Rs 2,000 per month as pocket money from my parents when I was in college. Today, my disposable income has jumped manifold but my happiness levels have not.

Researchers believe that money, up to a certain point, makes people happier because it lets them meet basic needs. The certain point they are talking about is $10,000 ( roughly Rs. 500,000) per year. Most people I know make way more money but are still running after  more money because they believe more will make them happier. Once you are past that point, stop trying to accumulate more to enjoy tomorrow. Make that money work hard, today, to achieve your ultimate goal: your tryst with Mr Happiness!

Scientists studied 9 major categories of consumptions and their correlation to happiness. They discovered that the only category to be positively related to happiness was leisure and experiences: vacations, entertainment, sports, concerts, foreign language lessons, cookery classes, etc. Spending money for an experience produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on the fancy LV bag. Experiences helps build & strengthen your center and if it is a group activity it strengthens relationships, which in turn leads to happiness. The quality of people’s relationships has the strongest correlation with their happiness.

A famous professor Richard Schoch said," If we crave material luxuries, then it will become harder and harder to be happy. No shoe will be stylish enough, no car fast enough, no house palatial enough because in the chain of desire there is no last link."

Biophilia!

Has it ever occurred to you, what creates a sense of calmness & the 'life ain't that bad' feeling when you:
- go for a hike in the hills,
- admire the ocean from your comfy sunbed on the beach,
- watch the sunset while driving

Biologists call this phenomenon biophilia – the human need for and love of natural places. The theory propounds - 'the spirit of nature runs through all living things and subconsciously connects us to our natural environment.'

Scientist believe everyone is touched by such experiences though some have stopped registering it, due to the ever increasing isolation from nature. I was a part of this category of people earlier. I seemed more fascinated with the mall & its goodies.
PG shared that a connection with the elements of nature is important to create a sense of internal peace. I needed to start taking notice and admire it with a fascination, as if I was seeing it for the first time.

It takes effort to be consciously aware of  your natural surroundings. It only happens when you are in the present moment, which is a mammoth task in itself. I have worked very hard at it and can feel awareness seeping in. Of late I have become quite fascinated with trees. I notice them all the time. I admire their form, the shape of their branches, the green, everything and it creates quite a feeling of exhilaration.


It might sound far-fetched to you but I give you the right to shun it only once you have sincerely tried it.

Go ahead, enjoy your connection with nature, by simply being alive to it!

holiday time!

I'm on vacation for the rest of the week. Check out some of the stuff I've been tripping on, while I'm gone.

Love Coke Studio!

-  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjaH2iuoYWE
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra5nTlty6CM
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoAWuUQyuVc&feature=related


Send a message to my friend Chander on the follower list, if you want the torrents to download the HD versions or to rip the audio.

Hasta Pronto!

Nurture!

A 4-year-old girl is siting on the pavement outside her house and crying. She is too scared to go home as she fears her mother will scold her because she broke a vase in the living room.

It makes me wonder why is life full of such paradoxes. I have gone through 20 years of education (I count kindergarten as education) to be branded capable/qualified to get a regular 9 to 5 job in a company.  They are still not sure if, after all the education, I can handle the responsibility. So they create process flows for everything on earth,some totally ridiculous like - how to talk to your neighbor, etiquette of writing an email etc. To top it all they invented - the BOSS.

On the other hand, a responsibility as mammoth as giving birth to a child and bringing him up is allowed with absolutely no training or education. The only qualification required, at least in India, is getting married.

AP shared with me that sensitive & responsible parenting is required for a child to develop a healthy sense of self as the human brain develops to 90% of its adult weight & capacity by the age of 4. The basic architecture of the brain develops during pregnancy, but the connections between the different parts of the brain are formed in the initial years. Hence what a child experiences and how it experiences is critical for it’s future. I wish someone would teach that to the little girl's mother.

I read somewhere ‘don’t leave it to nature, nurture’.

Happy Birthday Dweepi!

Today is one of my closest friend's birthday. But I cannot wish him.

He died 3 years back.The last time I met him was also his birthday - 5th Aug2007, a month before the ugly car crash took him away from us forever.

I miss you. I remember your smiling face all the time. I hope you are bringing as much happiness and laughter to everyone in heaven, as you did to me. Growing up would have never been the same without you.

I feel blessed that you touched my life in the short span that you were here in this world..

"Hell is other people." - Jean Paul Stare

 I go to a party. I meet:

- X, who is raving about his exotic travels.

- Y, who has lost oodles of weight and looks stunning.

- Z, who just got a kick-ass job and won't have space to store his millions soon.

- Ze, who recently quit corpo slavery & started his own design studio

What happens to me? All of you are super smart to figure out, I'm assuming :)

Comparison is a curse on  humanity. It breeds inadequacy, envy and unhappiness.

I came across a funny and insightful study conducted by 3 psychologists at Cornell University. Olympic bronze medalists are happier with their positions compared to silver medalists. The bronze medalists tend to compare themselves with all the people who did not win a medal, whereas the silver medalists compared themselves to the gold medal winners & torture themselves thinking they could have won the gold. 

The only way to deal with this curse is to love & appreciate yourself. 

It's a 2 step approach:

- Stop focusing on how brilliant other people are and all the cool stuff they are doing. The world always looks rosy from a distance.Everyone has their struggles and shortcomings. Nobody, till date, has been perfect. Yes, people have strengths and we should appreciate them.But, it doesn't imply that you are inadequate and useless. You too have strengths, it's just that you have not acknowledged and accepted them as of now.

- Nurture and love your self. You are unique. Find your center and enjoy it. I'm working very hard to find mine and struggling. I will share it with you as soon as it takes shape.

" You are who you think you are, so think the best for yourself" ~Author Unknown

Defining my happiness!

The enormity of the task has been making me put it off for a bit. I have been wandering around, looking for  inspiration to trigger the flow. Finally I found it. Watching a bunch of 6 year-old kids playing soccer in the rain. It, truly, is about the basics.

Happiness means many things to me.

Happiness is being carefree here and now, in the present moment. To think or worry about absolutely nothing and truly enjoy just being. Not processing the - what, how, who, oh god!, why not, I wish, maybe, hopefully... I'm working very hard on sending the monkey on vacation.
I read somewhere 'Paradise cannot be a moving target'. It can't be in the future - I will be happy when I  go for a vacation , when I get more money, when I'm thinner,when I quit my job. Happiness is to experience & enjoy the truth of the moment and the effort behind it. 

Happiness is being aware of and enjoying the small things in life, like nature. Noticing trees with freshly washed leaves, these days, triggers a sense of joy in me. I really look forward to driving on the road outside Talkotra Stadium with the aging trees forming a overhead green roof. I took nature for granted for so long, having grown up in a hill station/cantonments.Coming to arid Gurgaon has really made me value & admire it. I read about a very interesting concept - Biophilia. But I will save it for a later detailed post.

Breaking the cycle of relativity is happiness.This is a big one and I struggle with it the most!

Not falling in the trap of instant gratification is happiness. Every time I forgo swiping my credit card for frivolous branded crap I can easily do without, I feel a sense of achievement. The concept is called 'hedonic adaptation' and I'm going to write about it next.

The sense of security which my friends & family create for me is happiness. Every time AM smiles at me when he wakes up in the morning, every time mom/dad worry about me traveling alone late night, every time G, CM, V,& T make the long pilgrimage to the outskirts of NCR to just meet me, every time my sis calls me to tell me inane nonsense, I feel lucky that I'm special to so many people.It's a happy feeling to be loved!

To travel and experience new cultures and food is happiness!

Being active and busy creates a sense of purpose for me. Enjoying the small victories along the way is happiness. I'm experimenting with so many new things these days and taking small risks, for example this blog! It gives me a lot of joy to be learning and nourishing myself constructively.

Simply put, how I see it now is: Happiness is a 24/7 internal mellow sense of  life is good, I'm loved & special and everything will always be alright, whatever be the external circumstances.

Think!

Pause for a moment and ask yourself, what is your happiness? Don't try to continue reading with a mental note that I'll think about it later. It is the ultimate goal of your life. You owe it to yourself to know what is means to you.

It's ok if you drew a blank, had a few sketchy thoughts or  general ideas about it. All you need to do is be aware that you need to understand and define your happy state. It will come to you. The mind works in mysterious ways.Awareness is the first step to self discovery.

I almost sound like a psychiatrist!

Happiness 101

On the outside my life seems perfect. I have a well paying job, a loving husband, a beautiful home and great friends & family.What more can one ask for?

However,on the inside, I don't feel happy. When I share this with AP she asks me, what is happiness and what would my ideal happy day be like.It is,by far, the toughest question I have faced. I struggle with a few generalist statements and then it's all blank.My head starts to spin and I'm consumed by my foolishness. The realization dawns.I have a 1000 cribs and rants about not being happy, but I don't even understand what it means. I'm shocked at my ignorance and pledge to change. 

Out comes the computer and I type away noisily, determined to produce my masterpiece on what happiness means to me. Predictably, beyond a few lines on the good life no magic happens on happiness.doc. 

I decide to call upon the great minds of our 21 centuries at the bookstore to help me learn a thing or two about this damn thing which has perplexed me. I'm amazed at the amount of dope out there on the subject.I must say, it has provided quite a livelihood to many for centuries. So here is the list of few interesting things I learnt:

Happiness:
1. is the most fundamental of all human goals, underlying everything we do in life
2. is Nature's basic incentive for living.
3. is defined, by scientists, as a positive emotion creating a feeling of wellbeing, naturally enough, contentment etc.
4. is at the core of both the most basic experiences in life as well as the experiences in life we consider the most self-actualizing and enriching.
5.occurs in the human brain! We experience it consciously -- it is a state of mind.
6. is a conscious choice, not an automatic learned response by the brain.
7.is a function of accepting what is.
8.is different from pleasure though they appear similar. Pleasure is more external stimuli driven and happiness is internal.
9.can be measured quantitatively. Look up the Gross National Happiness in Bhutan.
10.can now be produced in a lab by scientists. 
11. can mean different things to different people
12. Everyone wants it. Everyone dreams of finding it. But, most have no clue about the what and the how...
13. to most it is instant gratification; swallow a pill, get happy or swipe your credit card, feel kicked.
14. is considered a birth right today rather than something you work at. At your disposal sir 24/7!
15. is a huge marketing opportunity. Self help books generate $1billion in annual sales and anti-depressants a whooping $17billion.
16.is the single most sought after thing in the world.  
17.is not something that comes to you. It is something you create now, today.  

Happiness in Perpetuity: Paul Bond

Armed with all this information, I'm going to re-attempt my happiness definition. Stay tuned.Coming up next...
                   

My first post!

All first times tend to be awkward and sometimes difficult. Same is the case with my first post.
I'm wondering what should it be about and how to make it fun. In school, we were always told when in doubt stick to the basics. So I'm going to do just that. Keep it short, simple and share why I'm here.

I had an awakening sometime back that I'm not happy with my existence and life just can't continue the way it is. I needed to change the way I approaching it and redefine what I want. So after a few months of introspection, talking to some learned souls and devouring all the written material on the issue that I could get hold off, I decided to set out on a new journey to go find Mr. Happiness and once I did trick him into staying back with me.

It's been a long, hard, sometimes painful but rewarding journey. The summit doesn't seem anywhere in sight but I know it's nearby. I have been seeing glimpses of him every now and then.  In this blog I want to share all that  I have learnt in this journey.

Now for the credits: there are a few people without whom I would still be leading my past miserable existence and who will feature in a lot of my future posts so I should introduce them now.
- my lovely husband AM ( I married the first & only man ever loved. ain't I lucky!)
- G, my friend since eternity.
- CM, my kid friend (he's 23 but wants a 32yr old girlfriend) & G's flatmate.
- V, the doe eyed beauty with a twisted crazy sense of humor and her boyfriend T, our very own punjabi mallu.
- G's mom, my guide.
- AP, my talk therapy friend.
- Rave, my sister.