Patterns!

Serial Quitter.

I came across this word while reading a book and it stayed with me. We seemed to connect and I decided to adopt it as a part of my identity.

I'm  constantly looking for and taking on new activities. I have a need to fill my life with new activities. The programming in my head tells me that if I'm engaging in quality 'things-to-do' then I'm moving closer to my ultimate goal. I feel a sense of panic if I'm not 'constructively' involved all the time. In fact, I was once advised that, 'You are a human being and not a human doing, so just learn to be.' One more thing to learn to do ;)

At any given point, I am busy with at least 3- 4 projects. These days I am learning Spanish, attempting twenty laps at the swimming pool, learning make-up on youtube, figuring out what I want to do next with my life, planning a holiday, trying to finish reading the 6 books I bought last week...

Projects ( I like to call them projects as it sounds more important than the regular sounding activities, hobbies etc.) require patience, commitment and hard-work  to accomplish. These aren't my strengths!

This is where my patterns kick in. I started because I believed it would take me closer to happiness, but as there is no instant gratification, I become frustrated, I quit, I brand myself 'good for nothing' and trash my self-esteem. After much serial quitting I have been able to identify my pattern and accept it.

Now, when the frustration starts to build up, I just let that project be. I have realized that if I keep at it my impatience will get the better of me. I will give it up never to try it again and curse myself all night. So I have learnt to just let it be, telling myself that I'm taking a break from it and will come back to it later. I know once I've been on a break for a while, my mind will again come back to believing that doing this will make me happy. When that happens I go back and start again. I won't beat myself down anymore with the self-judgment that I'm no good!

Have you been able to identify your patterns? Are you killing your self-esteem by constantly judging yourself  basis everything you try to do? It takes time and effort to identify and accept these patterns. I would love to hear your story. It might help us all learn something about our patterns.